I hope you are coming to understand that your top priority has to be to take care of yourself (and of course your kids if you have any).
Let's just recap the main points that lead us to this conclusion:
You cannot fix this with or for your husband
Your husband is no longer behaving like the man you know and love
He is distancing himself from you and your marriage
He is going through a difficult transition and his main priority is to make himself feel better
He is going to try anything he can to make himself feel better
At this point he does not believe that you can or will make him feel better
You are hurting and you have a lot to deal with
If you are like most of us you are heartbroken and feel like your world has been torn apart
You still have to get through everyday life, go to work, look after the kids and everything else
You are coping with circumstances that you never thought you would face
The person you would normally turn to is the person who is the source of your pain
So, since you can't fix the situation with your husband and you are in pain, what other option do you have but to take care of yourself?
I know you might not want to focus on that since you are so determined to save your marriage, but you HAVE to. If your marriage does survive it will only be when your husband has gone through whatever process he needs to, over however much time it takes him. The only aspect of it all that you can control is what you do for yourself. You have a choice, you can focus all your time and energy on trying to achieve the impossible or you can use that time energy on taking care of yourself, building the best life that you can for yourself. That way if you rebuild a life with your husband then you will be doing so as a whole, strong, healthy woman. The alternative is to wear yourself down emotionally and physically as you keep running into a brick wall.
The midlife transiton that your husband is going though is like a brick wall that has been erected around the man you love. Until that wall is gone you cannot hope to have a good relationship with him again.
You have a choice about how you deal with that brick wall. When I say "Take Care of Yourself" I'm advocating that you get on with your life as best you can. Accept that for now the wall is there, standing between you and what you really want. If you must, you can check occassionally that it is still there, but other than that, just accept that you can't move that wall. Instead put your time and energy where they CAN be effective --- make yourself the priority.
The other option is to refuse to accept that you can't change things, in this analogy you are choosing to run at the brick wall and throw yourself at it. You get hurt, you recover and then you run at the thing from a different angle, though still with the same result, you get hurt and the wall doesn't budge.
I hope describing it that way helps make things a little clearer!
So when you are ready to start taking care of yourself you are going to learn to
